This is an extraordinary excerpt from a journal written by my amazing and brilliant friend,Mari. She's been through more than I could possibly ever imagine,and somehow manages to stay strong and positive and smart and filled with joy. Mari Nichols Haining. I love you. Thank you. "The best adventures aren't found on a map. If you want to see the real sites, take a side road. Four-by-four over the countryside or find a secluded, unmapped beach and watch the sunset. I took a wrong turn somewhere and found myself way off the paved road. The last ten years were spent living there--that secluded place only the locals know about. From there, I've watched the changing of the seasons I couldn't have seen on the highway, I've seen the colors of the sunrise and I've found the most beautiful flowers by the side of the road. All of this I would have missed had I gone where I had planned. I find myself now, at 27, looking around for another road. Wishing I had a map. I'm a recent widow with four very young children. When I imagined my future, it never included this. The stability and security I had just three years ago is gone. The memories I thought I would have will never be made. I enjoyed where I've been, and I've enjoyed exploring the back roads with my best friend. Now I have to either find my way back to the highway or find another hidden trail, but either way, I'll be doing the searching alone. I have mixed emotions about it. I never wanted to be here...at this spot in my life. But I'm here and not regretting a moment of what led me here. I can't imagine the next six months, much less the next ten years; but I'm looking forward to the next stop along the road. I don't want to see the sunsets without him, but if the choices are not to see them at all or to see them alone, I'll choose the latter. I'm not afraid of my future, but I definitely miss the past. I firmly believe that we are supposed to learn something from all this 'stuff' we have no control over. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what lesson I should have learned, because I fear the lesson may need to be repeated until I learn it. When our son died, I learned that I couldn't control life. I learned to stop trying to twist reality to fit what I wanted it to be. His death should have been expected, but it wasn't, because that scenario wasn't the way I wanted reality to be. I may possibly have missed the lesson there, but I think, besides heartache, that's what I took away from it. Over the last two years, I put that lesson to use with Ron. I swallowed the lumps and cried a lot. Now I'm left trying to figure out what the lesson here is. Maybe there is none...but I hope so. Pain should have a positive purpose. I don't know-but if I figure out the lesson, I'll post it here. Maybe. Actually, I think I already know the lesson, but just haven't figured out how to put words to it. ...My thoughts on life are extensive, as are everyone's. I've heard that the answers are in the questions. I have plenty of those. I think now I need to concentrate on asking the right questions. I do not have the slightest clue what we are here for-- what our 'purpose' in life is--if there even is one. I don't think I'm too concerned about it though. I do believe in karma..yin/yang...cosmic justices..kismet. And I do believe in throwing the maps out the window now and again. Here's to the back roads. Hope you all take them once in a while. The flowers are lovely, the sunsets divine."